Posting early, Don't know if you'll get a horoscope Wednesday or not. This internet stuff isn't everywhere.
ARIES:
Oh, today we're gonna be all picky, picky are we? Well guess what? Announcing all your dislikes to everyone doesn't mean you know who you are. Go find yourself. And no, you're not in an ashram in India.
TAURUS:
A great day for rolling around in self pity, after all, it's all mama's fault isn't it? Or maybe it's that dick head 3rd grade teacher that ruined math for you. Whatever you choose, stick to it. Consistency is what's believable.
GEMINI:
Tell people what's on your mind today. Consider it your duty. You may even want to get ordained on line, just so's you can get away with it.
CANCER:
Somedays you just have to ask yourself, "what's in it for me?" Well, that's stupid! Wait for someone to make you an offer, then ask them, "what's in it for me?".
LEO:
You have the crappiest of horoscopes today. The stars say that you need to treat everyone as an equal; and yes, that means all day.
VIRGO:
Today, people will shoot down your dumb ass ideas. You should have tried that crap out yesterday.
LIBRA:
Would it kill you to make a new friend today? Well umm...Go make friends with a nice normal person then.
SCORPIO:
Let your boss (or anyone you need to impress) see you reading that book that's way over your head. Wait, you better google the synopsis first, just in case any one asks what it's about. See, you can make a good impression if you try.
SAGITTARIUS:
Maybe somebody IS lying to you.
CAPRICORN:
If you didn't read yesterday's post, you're disloyal to the cult, and you'd know that paperwork around money is the theme. Deal with it. Especially that crap you wished would go away.
AQUARIUS:
Spend the day chattering at people, you're good at that.
PISCES:
Go out and score some Karma points today. Do I have to specify Good Karma?
MONDAY, SEPT 14TH, 2009
ARIES:
I searched and searched, and I can't find a thing to say about you today. Are you sure you exist? Quick, go see if you're in the mirror.
TAURUS:
Perfect day for rumour mongering. Or better yet, eavesdropping and listening knowingly. Then maybe, you can call 1 800 crimestoppers to get a reward.
GEMINI:
No new debts today, thank you very much. Practice that.
CANCER:
If you're shifty enough, you can get away with using someone else's brain today. Why think of everything yourself. Just remember, everyone's credit rating has tanked, so forget about using their ID.
LEO:
Don't be all whiny, paranoid, and self conscious today. It's tiresome.
VIRGO:
Hey, this is fun..You can get approval today. Don't waste it. People won't always hypnotically agree with your dumb ass ideas.
LIBRA:
Somedays, the only way to get people to stop telling you what to do is to get in there first and start telling them. It doesn't make you a domineering bitch/bastard if you do it with lo-o-o-ve!
SCORPIO:
Go get a book that's way over your head.
SAGITTARIUS:
Today has all kinds of deep meaning and weighty significance. If I were you, I'd just stay in bed.
CAPRICORN:
If you start doing your math and figuring out where to hide what stuff now, you should be OK when the next tax season rolls around.
AQUARIUS:
Tell yourself there's a reason for why you do what you do. If you have to, make one up.
PISCES:
Your emotional safety pins are showing. Don't be picking fights just because you're feeling insecure. So there!
I searched and searched, and I can't find a thing to say about you today. Are you sure you exist? Quick, go see if you're in the mirror.
TAURUS:
Perfect day for rumour mongering. Or better yet, eavesdropping and listening knowingly. Then maybe, you can call 1 800 crimestoppers to get a reward.
GEMINI:
No new debts today, thank you very much. Practice that.
CANCER:
If you're shifty enough, you can get away with using someone else's brain today. Why think of everything yourself. Just remember, everyone's credit rating has tanked, so forget about using their ID.
LEO:
Don't be all whiny, paranoid, and self conscious today. It's tiresome.
VIRGO:
Hey, this is fun..You can get approval today. Don't waste it. People won't always hypnotically agree with your dumb ass ideas.
LIBRA:
Somedays, the only way to get people to stop telling you what to do is to get in there first and start telling them. It doesn't make you a domineering bitch/bastard if you do it with lo-o-o-ve!
SCORPIO:
Go get a book that's way over your head.
SAGITTARIUS:
Today has all kinds of deep meaning and weighty significance. If I were you, I'd just stay in bed.
CAPRICORN:
If you start doing your math and figuring out where to hide what stuff now, you should be OK when the next tax season rolls around.
AQUARIUS:
Tell yourself there's a reason for why you do what you do. If you have to, make one up.
PISCES:
Your emotional safety pins are showing. Don't be picking fights just because you're feeling insecure. So there!
SATURDAY AND SUNDAY, SEPT 12th and 13th too.
ARIES:
Well not everyone wants to do it all the time, but sometimes ya just gotta bite the bullet and spend time with your family. Honestly, career changes are coming your way in the next few years, but not if you don't suck up to the family around you first. Has something to do with support or some such crap. So get that out of the way by spending time with family Saturday & Sunday.
TAURUS:
Perfect if you can get away for the weekend. Uh huh. Nobody gets perfect. Maybe you could spend the weekend pathetically scrolling through vacation websites instead. If you aren't careful, you could wind up being one of those creepy people that spies on their neighbours because they didn't get a vacation when they needed one. I guess you could find someone to let you drive the get-away car. That would count.
GEMINI:
This weekend is about money.....Do I have to spell it out for you? Think about how you're going to get some of it. Think about ways not to spend so muchof it.
CANCER:
You are a pain in the ass! I mean it. Go and find a new project this weekend.
It doesn't matter what it is, just pick something.
LEO:
If you aren't getting any this weekend, look for a meditation class or something. In other words, deal with your anxiety yourself. That's what humans do.
VIRGO:
Changes: people, clothes, mind, address, job, career, car, etcetera. It's about changes for you, even if you're just thinking about small changes. I recommend a disguise. That's a change.
LIBRA:
You have a really boring horoscope this weekend, except that you're getting all the attention. Hey! That's not so boring.
SCORPIO:
If you're around people this weekend, you're gonna want to be alone. If you're alone, you're gonna want to be around people. Cancer's are a pain in the ass this weekend too. Go hang out with one of them, and leave the normal people alone.
SAGITTARIUS:
I think you're planning a coup.
CAPRICORN:
If you yell at the people who are bugging you today because they want your attention, they'll go away and sulk. They won't like you much, but they'll go away.
AQUARIUS:
Since you're so damned happy, why don't you go feed the squirrels, and take one of those damned Pisces with you.
PISCES:
OK Fine, you go have fun this weekend.
Well not everyone wants to do it all the time, but sometimes ya just gotta bite the bullet and spend time with your family. Honestly, career changes are coming your way in the next few years, but not if you don't suck up to the family around you first. Has something to do with support or some such crap. So get that out of the way by spending time with family Saturday & Sunday.
TAURUS:
Perfect if you can get away for the weekend. Uh huh. Nobody gets perfect. Maybe you could spend the weekend pathetically scrolling through vacation websites instead. If you aren't careful, you could wind up being one of those creepy people that spies on their neighbours because they didn't get a vacation when they needed one. I guess you could find someone to let you drive the get-away car. That would count.
GEMINI:
This weekend is about money.....Do I have to spell it out for you? Think about how you're going to get some of it. Think about ways not to spend so muchof it.
CANCER:
You are a pain in the ass! I mean it. Go and find a new project this weekend.
It doesn't matter what it is, just pick something.
LEO:
If you aren't getting any this weekend, look for a meditation class or something. In other words, deal with your anxiety yourself. That's what humans do.
VIRGO:
Changes: people, clothes, mind, address, job, career, car, etcetera. It's about changes for you, even if you're just thinking about small changes. I recommend a disguise. That's a change.
LIBRA:
You have a really boring horoscope this weekend, except that you're getting all the attention. Hey! That's not so boring.
SCORPIO:
If you're around people this weekend, you're gonna want to be alone. If you're alone, you're gonna want to be around people. Cancer's are a pain in the ass this weekend too. Go hang out with one of them, and leave the normal people alone.
SAGITTARIUS:
I think you're planning a coup.
CAPRICORN:
If you yell at the people who are bugging you today because they want your attention, they'll go away and sulk. They won't like you much, but they'll go away.
AQUARIUS:
Since you're so damned happy, why don't you go feed the squirrels, and take one of those damned Pisces with you.
PISCES:
OK Fine, you go have fun this weekend.
Friday Sept 11, 2009
ARIES:
I know you travel with a studio audience in your head, but lookout--they're leaving..you're boring them. Pretty sad getting dumped by imaginary people. You better do something different today, or that nasty ennui's gonna getcha. Damn, another word to look up
TAURUS:
You should hook up with an Aries today, they're bored, and you're fit to be a parade marshal today. Go make someone jealous today.
GEMINI:
You're pretty antsy today. You could get together with Aries and Taurus. (don't worry, it's just for today) I hear they're looking for trouble too.
CANCER:
HEY! Diamond Lil... giving away that 10 year old can of no-name, off-label mushroom soup doesn't really count as charity ya know. If you're feeling all generousy today find a better way to do it.
LEO:
I see you sitting poolside, at a country club, attended by servers that just can't hide their admiration for you. Hah! I don't know what you look like, guess that wasn't you after all. Maybe you should expect just a little less from people today.
VIRGO: Your grandparents hid their money in their sock because it was just way too embarrassing to whip off their shoes and socks at the cash register. Maybe you're one of those embarrassing people that don't get embarrassed. If so, just leave the credit cards at home somewhere today. (and send me your address)
LIBRA:
Ask a favour from someone important today. Oh, important means someone who makes lots of money.
SCORPIO:
Good day to fix what's broken...Yawn.
SAGITTARIUS:
Moody bastards around you today. Oh wait, maybe that's you! It's hard to tell sometimes isn't it? Blame them. They're never 100% sure either.
CAPRICORN:
And today's word is....hygeine..Yay! That just means you can change your diet today, I assume that means for the better, you could get a medical check up, or you could just spend the day going over you handwashing routine. That's gotta be worth at least eight hours, right?
AQUARIUS:
Creative.
PISCES:
Crap! Cleaning, cooking, household repairs, blah blah blah. You can escape that by looking through real estate listings you know. The stars really can't tell the difference.
I know you travel with a studio audience in your head, but lookout--they're leaving..you're boring them. Pretty sad getting dumped by imaginary people. You better do something different today, or that nasty ennui's gonna getcha. Damn, another word to look up
TAURUS:
You should hook up with an Aries today, they're bored, and you're fit to be a parade marshal today. Go make someone jealous today.
GEMINI:
You're pretty antsy today. You could get together with Aries and Taurus. (don't worry, it's just for today) I hear they're looking for trouble too.
CANCER:
HEY! Diamond Lil... giving away that 10 year old can of no-name, off-label mushroom soup doesn't really count as charity ya know. If you're feeling all generousy today find a better way to do it.
LEO:
I see you sitting poolside, at a country club, attended by servers that just can't hide their admiration for you. Hah! I don't know what you look like, guess that wasn't you after all. Maybe you should expect just a little less from people today.
VIRGO: Your grandparents hid their money in their sock because it was just way too embarrassing to whip off their shoes and socks at the cash register. Maybe you're one of those embarrassing people that don't get embarrassed. If so, just leave the credit cards at home somewhere today. (and send me your address)
LIBRA:
Ask a favour from someone important today. Oh, important means someone who makes lots of money.
SCORPIO:
Good day to fix what's broken...Yawn.
SAGITTARIUS:
Moody bastards around you today. Oh wait, maybe that's you! It's hard to tell sometimes isn't it? Blame them. They're never 100% sure either.
CAPRICORN:
And today's word is....hygeine..Yay! That just means you can change your diet today, I assume that means for the better, you could get a medical check up, or you could just spend the day going over you handwashing routine. That's gotta be worth at least eight hours, right?
AQUARIUS:
Creative.
PISCES:
Crap! Cleaning, cooking, household repairs, blah blah blah. You can escape that by looking through real estate listings you know. The stars really can't tell the difference.
Thursday Sept. 10th, 2009
ARIES:
Planning on jumping to conclusions today? Well, don't. Idiots jump to conclusions, and you don't want people to think you're an idiot do you? Then again, you can get away with all kinds of crap if people think you're an idiot. I should know.
TAURUS:
You have things to do. That person doesn't have things to do. What are you; the entertainment committee? How long are you gonna let that ride?
GEMINI:
Be nice to the boss, be nice to the bill collectors (that always confuses them), be nice to the police. Are you starting to get the theme here? Well, you don't have to be nice to the little people today...They're called peons for a reason. I should know. Have fun.
CANCER:
Every single person around you knows something you don't know. Yeah, I know, it probably is useless crap that you have no interest in at all. Pay attention anyway, you never know what you'll learn. I didn't say you were getting fired!
LEO:
Those e-mails you send too quickly? Well, the spirit of them move into your closet and live there with all your other monsters and anxieties. Think first and then send. Oh, and that also means think before you shoot off your mouth today.
VIRGO:
You're on your birthday period now (no google cents tampon ad here folks) That means you get to be a complete jerk this month. I can't do anything about that....oh wait, the fates say that you'll only get away with that if you give up all sex for the month. You know, Virgo the Virgin and all that.
LIBRA:
Think about going for a long drive, you're driving everyone around you nuts. OK, call it “being philosophical”, they'll buy it. Forget about getting smarter friends though, that never works.
SCORPIO:
Good day to hit someone up for a loan; especially friends. If you ask strangers that's panhandling, and you'll have more time to pursue that career during retirement.
SAGITTARIUS:
Spy on someone today...or tomorrow.
CAPRICORN:
R you really gonna play the “I'm right, you're wrong game today”?. That leads to the “I can do it myself” recital, and it always ends in “why do I have to do everything myself?”. Have fun then.
AQUARIUS:
You like children and gambling today. (do to!) I'd advise picking one or the other. You just can't imagine the shitload of trouble mixing the two can cause! Especially if they're not your kids. I should know.
PISCES:
How would you like to spend the next two days laying around on a pile of fluffy pillows, having all your little whims and wants fulfilled by whomever you want? Sounds good? Do I hear you laughing? You just want to be home today, that's all.
Planning on jumping to conclusions today? Well, don't. Idiots jump to conclusions, and you don't want people to think you're an idiot do you? Then again, you can get away with all kinds of crap if people think you're an idiot. I should know.
TAURUS:
You have things to do. That person doesn't have things to do. What are you; the entertainment committee? How long are you gonna let that ride?
GEMINI:
Be nice to the boss, be nice to the bill collectors (that always confuses them), be nice to the police. Are you starting to get the theme here? Well, you don't have to be nice to the little people today...They're called peons for a reason. I should know. Have fun.
CANCER:
Every single person around you knows something you don't know. Yeah, I know, it probably is useless crap that you have no interest in at all. Pay attention anyway, you never know what you'll learn. I didn't say you were getting fired!
LEO:
Those e-mails you send too quickly? Well, the spirit of them move into your closet and live there with all your other monsters and anxieties. Think first and then send. Oh, and that also means think before you shoot off your mouth today.
VIRGO:
You're on your birthday period now (no google cents tampon ad here folks) That means you get to be a complete jerk this month. I can't do anything about that....oh wait, the fates say that you'll only get away with that if you give up all sex for the month. You know, Virgo the Virgin and all that.
LIBRA:
Think about going for a long drive, you're driving everyone around you nuts. OK, call it “being philosophical”, they'll buy it. Forget about getting smarter friends though, that never works.
SCORPIO:
Good day to hit someone up for a loan; especially friends. If you ask strangers that's panhandling, and you'll have more time to pursue that career during retirement.
SAGITTARIUS:
Spy on someone today...or tomorrow.
CAPRICORN:
R you really gonna play the “I'm right, you're wrong game today”?. That leads to the “I can do it myself” recital, and it always ends in “why do I have to do everything myself?”. Have fun then.
AQUARIUS:
You like children and gambling today. (do to!) I'd advise picking one or the other. You just can't imagine the shitload of trouble mixing the two can cause! Especially if they're not your kids. I should know.
PISCES:
How would you like to spend the next two days laying around on a pile of fluffy pillows, having all your little whims and wants fulfilled by whomever you want? Sounds good? Do I hear you laughing? You just want to be home today, that's all.
Wed. Sept 9th, 2009
ARIES:
Go get one of those label machines and stick labels on everything and everyone around you.
They'll all think you're the most organized person in the world. More importantly, you'll believe it yourself!
TAURUS:
Today is pretty much a repeat of yesterday. The colours may be different, but not much else. It does happen you know, and it doesn't make horoscopes any easier to write.
GEMINI:
Religious young men, about 20 years old have been saving souls door to door around here lately; all spic and span clean, black and white togs, too dorky to get any action on their own. Deep down they think they're gonna get laid (I said they were young men). Moral of this story: Don't lie to yourself about your real goals. Those dudes are going home alone.
CANCER:
Count how many times you laugh today.
LEO:
Whoop de, Leo, today is 09,09,09!! That's like so wow huh? Cosmic magic and all that crap. Must mean you're ready to take over the world. Sure, why not? I'll just wait here tho', you can e-mail me the new rules.
VIRGO:
Laura caught you twitching your ganza. Huh?
mabjewelry
(scroll down to the second story-don't be lazy) She's a Virgo, and she's re-writing the language...what are you going to do today?
LIBRA:
Make plans. No, I don't want to know what you're making plans for! I might have to report you.
SCORPIO:
I say you could take that shithead out with one good hit. Remember that today.
SAGITTARIUS:
Teach someone something today. If it suits your purpose, teach them wrong. Either way you've fulfilled your destiny.
CAPRICORN:
Learn something today, maybe ask a Sagittarius to teach you; That should get that smug look off your face.
AQUARIUS:
Everyone has to deal with details sometimes. (That was fucking brilliant!) Today, it's your job.
PISCES:
It's all about relationships right now. Relationships are all about blackmail. Threaten to leave all your worldly possessions to a cat shelter. See...? Relationships thrive on blackmail.
Go get one of those label machines and stick labels on everything and everyone around you.
They'll all think you're the most organized person in the world. More importantly, you'll believe it yourself!
TAURUS:
Today is pretty much a repeat of yesterday. The colours may be different, but not much else. It does happen you know, and it doesn't make horoscopes any easier to write.
GEMINI:
Religious young men, about 20 years old have been saving souls door to door around here lately; all spic and span clean, black and white togs, too dorky to get any action on their own. Deep down they think they're gonna get laid (I said they were young men). Moral of this story: Don't lie to yourself about your real goals. Those dudes are going home alone.
CANCER:
Count how many times you laugh today.
LEO:
Whoop de, Leo, today is 09,09,09!! That's like so wow huh? Cosmic magic and all that crap. Must mean you're ready to take over the world. Sure, why not? I'll just wait here tho', you can e-mail me the new rules.
VIRGO:
Laura caught you twitching your ganza. Huh?
mabjewelry
(scroll down to the second story-don't be lazy) She's a Virgo, and she's re-writing the language...what are you going to do today?
LIBRA:
Make plans. No, I don't want to know what you're making plans for! I might have to report you.
SCORPIO:
I say you could take that shithead out with one good hit. Remember that today.
SAGITTARIUS:
Teach someone something today. If it suits your purpose, teach them wrong. Either way you've fulfilled your destiny.
CAPRICORN:
Learn something today, maybe ask a Sagittarius to teach you; That should get that smug look off your face.
AQUARIUS:
Everyone has to deal with details sometimes. (That was fucking brilliant!) Today, it's your job.
PISCES:
It's all about relationships right now. Relationships are all about blackmail. Threaten to leave all your worldly possessions to a cat shelter. See...? Relationships thrive on blackmail.
Tuesday, Sept. 08th, 2009
ARIES:
All about money and things today. Your money and things, not someone else's. No, I'm not saying you should blow your wad on lottery tickets. It might just mean it's a good day to stock up on supplies for the coming apocalypse. Go look the word up, I'll wait!
TAURUS:
It isn't “location, location, location”, it's “method, method, method”. Get one, use one, keep one. It makes for fewer arrests, and earlier parole too.
GEMINI:
Watch out for flying gargoyles and general weirdness today. Especially, don't try to figure what other people are thinking, it won't make any sense at all. Oh ya, people will think you're nuts today too...So?
CANCER:
Hang out with bitchy women today, it won't be so bad, and then you can check it off your list.
LEO:
It's go get something day...you know...like, a job, or a new job, or just get a plan. But you still have to pay for that chocolate bar, or else put it back.
VIRGO:
All your conversations can't be about money you know. You'll bore everyone to tears. Don't bore everyone to tears. Bore them into a daze instead, it's easier to pick their pockets then.
LIBRA:
Ever notice how obnoxious idiots have secure jobs, and fairly successful businesses? That's because life is ridiculous. Go be obnoxious, hand out business cards, laugh too loud, compete.
SCORPIO:
Bad day to go invading Norway. Yes, I know Norway's not like a real country...still, if you can't be tactful today just shut the hell up.
SAGITTARIUS:
I don't think you need a horoscope today, come back tomorrow.
CAPRICORN:
Go be bossy today. The people around you will love you for it; Well, some will, some won't. You have to cull the weak ones from the herd first.
AQUARIUS:
Long range aspects are about responsibility. Nobody said it wasn't about ducking responsibility. Granny dumping is illegal in most places; Do your homework first.
PISCES:
Stock up on fortune cookies, because people will be asking you all the questions today, and you'll want to sound unbelievably wise.
All about money and things today. Your money and things, not someone else's. No, I'm not saying you should blow your wad on lottery tickets. It might just mean it's a good day to stock up on supplies for the coming apocalypse. Go look the word up, I'll wait!
TAURUS:
It isn't “location, location, location”, it's “method, method, method”. Get one, use one, keep one. It makes for fewer arrests, and earlier parole too.
GEMINI:
Watch out for flying gargoyles and general weirdness today. Especially, don't try to figure what other people are thinking, it won't make any sense at all. Oh ya, people will think you're nuts today too...So?
CANCER:
Hang out with bitchy women today, it won't be so bad, and then you can check it off your list.
LEO:
It's go get something day...you know...like, a job, or a new job, or just get a plan. But you still have to pay for that chocolate bar, or else put it back.
VIRGO:
All your conversations can't be about money you know. You'll bore everyone to tears. Don't bore everyone to tears. Bore them into a daze instead, it's easier to pick their pockets then.
LIBRA:
Ever notice how obnoxious idiots have secure jobs, and fairly successful businesses? That's because life is ridiculous. Go be obnoxious, hand out business cards, laugh too loud, compete.
SCORPIO:
Bad day to go invading Norway. Yes, I know Norway's not like a real country...still, if you can't be tactful today just shut the hell up.
SAGITTARIUS:
I don't think you need a horoscope today, come back tomorrow.
CAPRICORN:
Go be bossy today. The people around you will love you for it; Well, some will, some won't. You have to cull the weak ones from the herd first.
AQUARIUS:
Long range aspects are about responsibility. Nobody said it wasn't about ducking responsibility. Granny dumping is illegal in most places; Do your homework first.
PISCES:
Stock up on fortune cookies, because people will be asking you all the questions today, and you'll want to sound unbelievably wise.
Monday Sept. 7th, 2009
ARIES:
Uh Oh! You're screwed today, and tomorrow too! Something you said in the past will come back to bite you in the ass. If all else fails, lie and deny. Your mantra for these two days is “Back off Jack, evidence don't mean nuthin”.
TAURUS:
Watch yourself today, if you step into a manhole, or something like that, it will be all your own fault. Wear flat shoes....that means you too cowboy.
GEMINI:
Send out resumes, take some classes, get insurance, claim insurance. You need the horoscopes lady to tell you these things? Phht! Make sure everything is insured for the next two years anyway.
CANCER:
Get up in someone's face today. You can tell the police that the horoscope lady told you it was OK. Then give the nice officer the URL for this page. Maybe they'll let you go, maybe they won't. People like you today, for no particular reason. Don't waste that mojo.
LEO:
Any lies you told your siblings or co-workers are festering away at them right now. You're going to have to go back and fix whatever you screwed up.
VIRGO:
If you have kids, it's a good time to start building them their own little jail; tell them it's a play room. They're going to get on your nerves, because you're a Virgo. If you don't have kids, it's all the immature jerks in your life that will make you grind your teeth; and who's fault is it that they're around anyway? Hmm?
LIBRA:
Keep your head down and and agree with what everyone says today, regardless of how stupid and inane it is. It will shut them up for a while, and that's all we really care about, right?
SCORPIO:
If you have days where you think being nice is a social handicap, then seek out someone nice today to spend time with. It may just reinforce that thought, or you might get all airy fairy spiritual on all the good vibes. Either way, you'll feel better about yourself. That's why god invented idiots.
SAGITTARIUS:
Change the name of your gang. Sagittarius. What is that? I don't think it's even Greek. Or Latin. Doesn't Sag mean ass in latin? I googled it. “Sagitt=to fatten” That figures, cause you're probably thinking about food today. Diets suck, stay away from them. Go for a walk instead, or run through a scary neighbourhood.
CAPRICORN:
What do you want? I told you yesterday the $ vibes are good. I'm gonna go talk to Aquarius now.
AQUARIUS:
Find an excuse to run some some errands and then run away for a while. Yes I know, eventually you have to go back, for food and stuff like that; but what the hell, if you don't tell them, they'll never know you ran away anyway.
PISCES:
You better pray to god that Mercury retrograde shit don't get you, 'cause if it do.... Whoo boy, you'll have to give that money back. I don't even know where you got it, but if you got it, it's going back.
Uh Oh! You're screwed today, and tomorrow too! Something you said in the past will come back to bite you in the ass. If all else fails, lie and deny. Your mantra for these two days is “Back off Jack, evidence don't mean nuthin”.
TAURUS:
Watch yourself today, if you step into a manhole, or something like that, it will be all your own fault. Wear flat shoes....that means you too cowboy.
GEMINI:
Send out resumes, take some classes, get insurance, claim insurance. You need the horoscopes lady to tell you these things? Phht! Make sure everything is insured for the next two years anyway.
CANCER:
Get up in someone's face today. You can tell the police that the horoscope lady told you it was OK. Then give the nice officer the URL for this page. Maybe they'll let you go, maybe they won't. People like you today, for no particular reason. Don't waste that mojo.
LEO:
Any lies you told your siblings or co-workers are festering away at them right now. You're going to have to go back and fix whatever you screwed up.
VIRGO:
If you have kids, it's a good time to start building them their own little jail; tell them it's a play room. They're going to get on your nerves, because you're a Virgo. If you don't have kids, it's all the immature jerks in your life that will make you grind your teeth; and who's fault is it that they're around anyway? Hmm?
LIBRA:
Keep your head down and and agree with what everyone says today, regardless of how stupid and inane it is. It will shut them up for a while, and that's all we really care about, right?
SCORPIO:
If you have days where you think being nice is a social handicap, then seek out someone nice today to spend time with. It may just reinforce that thought, or you might get all airy fairy spiritual on all the good vibes. Either way, you'll feel better about yourself. That's why god invented idiots.
SAGITTARIUS:
Change the name of your gang. Sagittarius. What is that? I don't think it's even Greek. Or Latin. Doesn't Sag mean ass in latin? I googled it. “Sagitt=to fatten” That figures, cause you're probably thinking about food today. Diets suck, stay away from them. Go for a walk instead, or run through a scary neighbourhood.
CAPRICORN:
What do you want? I told you yesterday the $ vibes are good. I'm gonna go talk to Aquarius now.
AQUARIUS:
Find an excuse to run some some errands and then run away for a while. Yes I know, eventually you have to go back, for food and stuff like that; but what the hell, if you don't tell them, they'll never know you ran away anyway.
PISCES:
You better pray to god that Mercury retrograde shit don't get you, 'cause if it do.... Whoo boy, you'll have to give that money back. I don't even know where you got it, but if you got it, it's going back.
Sunday, Sept 6th, 2009
ARIES:
Yours is the best sign in the zodiac! Honest. What you're saying at home tho' probably isn't getting through to anyone. Ya right, 'cause they're the moron! Hah! I think it's called spittin' in the wind. Can the big discussions for today, unless you want to cause a big fat fight, I dunno though, maybe you do want to cause a big fat fight! Don't say you weren't warned!
TAURUS:
Yours is the best sign in the zodiac! Honest... Oh the Drama! Don't leave me! I don't want to be alone! I'm afraid of the dark!....Knock it off Taurus the Bull! You're using up all my exclamation marks with your overwrought anxiety. Calm down!!
GEMINI:
Yours is the best sign in the zodiac! Honest. If you're having trouble at work, It's because you don't eat right. If you don't eat right, you'll act like an idiot, and then you'll end up working at McDonald's, and then you'll end up eating hamburgers and french fries all day. So, things are all good for you then? Good.
CANCER:
Yours is the best sign in the zodiac! Honest. It's Sunday, Money and work crap can wait. Are you going to get famous at work? I doubt it. You can think about money and work crap tomorrow. Go do something that could make you famous, or at least has the possibility of it. Go sully your own reputation.
LEO:
Yours is the best sign in the zodiac! Honest. You look good today, yes you do. Now you love me don't you? Underneath it all, you're probably pissed off about something, but then people find that simmering anger attractive. People are really odd, and you can use that against them.
VIRGO:
Yours is the best sign in the zodiac! Honest. Go get all your friends together and have a séance. What's that you say? You can't do that because you're older than 13? Or you are 13 and you don't have any friends? Well in either case, it would be a waste not to watch a really creepy, scary movie. Boo.
LIBRA:
Yours is the best sign in the zodiac! Honest. Pet a small doggy today, but pick a small one that can't eat you. It's a day just made for fisticuffs; and kerfuffles too. If you pet a big doggy today, I can't guarantee the outcome.
SCORPIO:
Yours is the best sign in the zodiac! Honest. Servants are a bitch these days, maybe you'll have to fire the cook and it's impossible to find good ones. If you're not rich, and you don't have a cook, then I don't know you, and I don't care about you. Regardless of your own social status, don't fight with the peasants today, you'll just have to replace them with more peasants.
SAGITTARIUS:
Yours is the best sign in the zodiac! Honest. You're dripping emotions on people, stop it, it's icky. You'll feel better by Tuesday. Why Tuesday? I dunno, that's just what your horoscope says, and that's why you come here. Right?
CAPRICORN:
Yours is the best sign in the zodiac! Honest. Hmm...Maybe I really do like you! Your long term money omens are looking lucky. Of course, anyone with a toilet has hit the jackpot, globally speaking. Just don't shoot yourself in the foot. Research investments.
AQUARIUS:
Yours is the best sign in the zodiac! Honest. Oh that's good Aquarius, try to do one million things today. That always works, don't it? Well, you can't do one million things today, I don't care how good you are. Oh yeah! You could try to do one million things half-assedly (is too a word!) but then you'll end the day crumpled in a corner. Your mantra for today: “horoscopes lady says I don't gotta do that.”
PISCES:
Yours is the best sign in the zodiac! Honest. It's hard to write for Pisces, my sister is a Pisces and I hate my sister, she's an ass. You'd hate her too tho'. I'll just have to think about all the good Pisces people. This is for all the Pisces except my sister: Have a great day, you have good karma! So there!
Yours is the best sign in the zodiac! Honest. What you're saying at home tho' probably isn't getting through to anyone. Ya right, 'cause they're the moron! Hah! I think it's called spittin' in the wind. Can the big discussions for today, unless you want to cause a big fat fight, I dunno though, maybe you do want to cause a big fat fight! Don't say you weren't warned!
TAURUS:
Yours is the best sign in the zodiac! Honest... Oh the Drama! Don't leave me! I don't want to be alone! I'm afraid of the dark!....Knock it off Taurus the Bull! You're using up all my exclamation marks with your overwrought anxiety. Calm down!!
GEMINI:
Yours is the best sign in the zodiac! Honest. If you're having trouble at work, It's because you don't eat right. If you don't eat right, you'll act like an idiot, and then you'll end up working at McDonald's, and then you'll end up eating hamburgers and french fries all day. So, things are all good for you then? Good.
CANCER:
Yours is the best sign in the zodiac! Honest. It's Sunday, Money and work crap can wait. Are you going to get famous at work? I doubt it. You can think about money and work crap tomorrow. Go do something that could make you famous, or at least has the possibility of it. Go sully your own reputation.
LEO:
Yours is the best sign in the zodiac! Honest. You look good today, yes you do. Now you love me don't you? Underneath it all, you're probably pissed off about something, but then people find that simmering anger attractive. People are really odd, and you can use that against them.
VIRGO:
Yours is the best sign in the zodiac! Honest. Go get all your friends together and have a séance. What's that you say? You can't do that because you're older than 13? Or you are 13 and you don't have any friends? Well in either case, it would be a waste not to watch a really creepy, scary movie. Boo.
LIBRA:
Yours is the best sign in the zodiac! Honest. Pet a small doggy today, but pick a small one that can't eat you. It's a day just made for fisticuffs; and kerfuffles too. If you pet a big doggy today, I can't guarantee the outcome.
SCORPIO:
Yours is the best sign in the zodiac! Honest. Servants are a bitch these days, maybe you'll have to fire the cook and it's impossible to find good ones. If you're not rich, and you don't have a cook, then I don't know you, and I don't care about you. Regardless of your own social status, don't fight with the peasants today, you'll just have to replace them with more peasants.
SAGITTARIUS:
Yours is the best sign in the zodiac! Honest. You're dripping emotions on people, stop it, it's icky. You'll feel better by Tuesday. Why Tuesday? I dunno, that's just what your horoscope says, and that's why you come here. Right?
CAPRICORN:
Yours is the best sign in the zodiac! Honest. Hmm...Maybe I really do like you! Your long term money omens are looking lucky. Of course, anyone with a toilet has hit the jackpot, globally speaking. Just don't shoot yourself in the foot. Research investments.
AQUARIUS:
Yours is the best sign in the zodiac! Honest. Oh that's good Aquarius, try to do one million things today. That always works, don't it? Well, you can't do one million things today, I don't care how good you are. Oh yeah! You could try to do one million things half-assedly (is too a word!) but then you'll end the day crumpled in a corner. Your mantra for today: “horoscopes lady says I don't gotta do that.”
PISCES:
Yours is the best sign in the zodiac! Honest. It's hard to write for Pisces, my sister is a Pisces and I hate my sister, she's an ass. You'd hate her too tho'. I'll just have to think about all the good Pisces people. This is for all the Pisces except my sister: Have a great day, you have good karma! So there!
Saturday, Sept. 5th, 2009
ARIES:
Yeah, Yeah, I know..everyone's lookin' at you! You're not being paranoid, everyone is noticing you. Most Aries think the world was built for them, but today it is! Wear your nicest shoes, check your breath, and smile at the peasants. Remember, we all get our turn. And we'll push you down the stairs to get it.
TAURUS:
Siblings are a pain in the ass! Screen your calls and avoid them like the plague. Now you have to be super nice to other people so you can feel popular. That only applies to this weekend though. On Monday you can be a jerk again if you want.
GEMINI:
Stop thinking about work, even if you're at work. Some people work on Saturday you know. Hell, some people work. You should be thinking about sports and theater and cultural crap like that.
CANCER:
Feel like something's stalled? It has then. I don't know what's stalled, it ain't my life! Go figure out what it is, and then do something about it. Push your own ideas. Or, maybe you just need more fibre in your diet. You decide.
LEO:
Well fancy that, it's a good day to think about suing someone for a mistake that you made. Hmm... I wonder what the hell that really means? Oh well, I didn't say to actually sue someone, it is Saturday after all. Maybe it means Leo's are good at ducking the blame..gotta go with what you're good at.
VIRGO:
Go be sociable today. No one will guess that deep down you don't give a rat's ass about what they're saying. Oh wait, that's because deep down they don't give a rat's ass about you're thinking. That's the perfect combination for a wonderful, light filled and harmonious day. Enjoy!
LIBRA:
Have sex.
SCORPIO:
So sorry Scorpio, today is a good day for sports. Watching kids play some sport or other, watching real people play a game of something, or starting your own rugby team. Tsk, tsk, some days are a real waste.
SAGITTARIUS:
If you feel like you've been working twice as hard as everyone else, and you're not getting the proper rewards, you're probably right, that's just life, suck it up. It's going to seem that way until November.
CAPRICORN:
If you were too “assertive” with someone yesterday, it's a good day to hide out at home. That doesn't mean cower behind the couch; although, that's as good a place as any to hide. And while your down there you can clean up the cobwebs and dust chunks. No they're not dust “bunnies”. Don't give cute names to dirt.
AQUARIUS:
Go see what a real blog looks like:
artdecadence
See? That's how you make something from nothing. And that blog has followers.
PISCES:
I don't think any Pisces read this blog, not that I blame them. If you read yesterday's post, Pisces were told to think about finances. That meant all weekend. Being realistic though, I'd say it's reasonable to interpret that as: shred your old ATM slips and then go out and get drunk.
Yeah, Yeah, I know..everyone's lookin' at you! You're not being paranoid, everyone is noticing you. Most Aries think the world was built for them, but today it is! Wear your nicest shoes, check your breath, and smile at the peasants. Remember, we all get our turn. And we'll push you down the stairs to get it.
TAURUS:
Siblings are a pain in the ass! Screen your calls and avoid them like the plague. Now you have to be super nice to other people so you can feel popular. That only applies to this weekend though. On Monday you can be a jerk again if you want.
GEMINI:
Stop thinking about work, even if you're at work. Some people work on Saturday you know. Hell, some people work. You should be thinking about sports and theater and cultural crap like that.
CANCER:
Feel like something's stalled? It has then. I don't know what's stalled, it ain't my life! Go figure out what it is, and then do something about it. Push your own ideas. Or, maybe you just need more fibre in your diet. You decide.
LEO:
Well fancy that, it's a good day to think about suing someone for a mistake that you made. Hmm... I wonder what the hell that really means? Oh well, I didn't say to actually sue someone, it is Saturday after all. Maybe it means Leo's are good at ducking the blame..gotta go with what you're good at.
VIRGO:
Go be sociable today. No one will guess that deep down you don't give a rat's ass about what they're saying. Oh wait, that's because deep down they don't give a rat's ass about you're thinking. That's the perfect combination for a wonderful, light filled and harmonious day. Enjoy!
LIBRA:
Have sex.
SCORPIO:
So sorry Scorpio, today is a good day for sports. Watching kids play some sport or other, watching real people play a game of something, or starting your own rugby team. Tsk, tsk, some days are a real waste.
SAGITTARIUS:
If you feel like you've been working twice as hard as everyone else, and you're not getting the proper rewards, you're probably right, that's just life, suck it up. It's going to seem that way until November.
CAPRICORN:
If you were too “assertive” with someone yesterday, it's a good day to hide out at home. That doesn't mean cower behind the couch; although, that's as good a place as any to hide. And while your down there you can clean up the cobwebs and dust chunks. No they're not dust “bunnies”. Don't give cute names to dirt.
AQUARIUS:
Go see what a real blog looks like:
artdecadence
See? That's how you make something from nothing. And that blog has followers.
PISCES:
I don't think any Pisces read this blog, not that I blame them. If you read yesterday's post, Pisces were told to think about finances. That meant all weekend. Being realistic though, I'd say it's reasonable to interpret that as: shred your old ATM slips and then go out and get drunk.
Friday Sept 4th, 2009
ARIES:
Frustrations are a part of everyone's life. If you think that you can't deal with today's crap, you'll just make it worse. In other words, it's not a good day for whining and complaining, because nobody cares; maybe tomorrow they will. Build up a good fantasy life in the meantime.
TAURUS:
Any new friends you make now will be 100% insane. Really. Is that a good thing? Maybe it is. All Taurus's will have a secret wish to be a lawyer in the next few years. Oh yes they will! Take some law classes, maybe someone's going to sue you. If your a Taurus lawyer, don't use your government name today, make one up. Gypsy and Angel are taken 'tho, the librarians beat you to it.
GEMINI:
You think you deserve a raise. I agree, but in this economy is it even worth mentioning? If you don't have the balls to ask, I say you go ahead and give yourself a DIY raise, go ahead and steal those paper clips...and while you're at it, why not take that dictionary as well? You can use it when you have to write your resume. Shut up & sit down.
CANCER:
If you're still thinking about writing something, write about your home. If you're homeless, write about where you sleep. Or maybe it means stay home and write. Don't blame me for this crap, I'm just telling you what the stars say!
LEO:
Leos that get any money today shouldn't blow it on stupid useless crap, but they probably will anyway. Does that mean you're stupid and useless? Yep. Everyone is now and then. So what?
VIRGO:
Masculine people can help you out today. Notice I didn't say “men can help you out today”, I'm not sexist, and I just wanted to point that out. So, smile pretty and ask; even if your name is Cletus and you're a linebacker, you can still flutter those lashes.
LIBRA:
Happy Hypochondria Day! Yay! Wouldn't it be Oh, So Perfect if you could lie around in bed all day, wrapped in a feather boa eating expensive bon-bons? If you're the more masculine sort, a bowl of meat and a TV remote would be nice. Well forget it! Drag your ass off to where you normally drag your ass off to and go have a day.
SCORPIO:
Watch what you say today. Only drop positive verbal nuggets all around you. Brag on yourself, it's OK. It's called Public Relations, and it's Friday today, so no-one's really listening to you anyway.
SAGITTARIUS:
Sagittariuses are the opposite of anarchists. If you're talking up a revolution, that really means that you want to write up a whole NEW set of rules and regulations for everyone to follow. Obey the laws this weekend and don't speed. You're not the lawmaker for the free world yet.
CAPRICORN:
Wipe your nose and hoist up your drawers. Get ready to say something aggressive to somebody today. OK you little chicken shit, say something “assertive”. If there's something, or someone you want, speak up.
AQUARIUS:
Well Aquarius, you're supposed to be all creative today, and figuring out how to make something from nothing. I'm waiting to see counterfeit cash spring up on the “handmade” web sites. It's a craft, and it's handmade, right? Good luck in your new enterprise, and remember, I have nothing to do with “aiding & abetting”.
PISCES:
You have your days all screwed up Pisces, here it is the weekend and your time would be best used going over finances and investments and all that crap. Holy Geezuz! I was just knocked over by a chorus of Pisces wailing “but I have no finances!” Well then maybe you should get some. Is having fun this weekend going to get you some finances? No? Well then......
Frustrations are a part of everyone's life. If you think that you can't deal with today's crap, you'll just make it worse. In other words, it's not a good day for whining and complaining, because nobody cares; maybe tomorrow they will. Build up a good fantasy life in the meantime.
TAURUS:
Any new friends you make now will be 100% insane. Really. Is that a good thing? Maybe it is. All Taurus's will have a secret wish to be a lawyer in the next few years. Oh yes they will! Take some law classes, maybe someone's going to sue you. If your a Taurus lawyer, don't use your government name today, make one up. Gypsy and Angel are taken 'tho, the librarians beat you to it.
GEMINI:
You think you deserve a raise. I agree, but in this economy is it even worth mentioning? If you don't have the balls to ask, I say you go ahead and give yourself a DIY raise, go ahead and steal those paper clips...and while you're at it, why not take that dictionary as well? You can use it when you have to write your resume. Shut up & sit down.
CANCER:
If you're still thinking about writing something, write about your home. If you're homeless, write about where you sleep. Or maybe it means stay home and write. Don't blame me for this crap, I'm just telling you what the stars say!
LEO:
Leos that get any money today shouldn't blow it on stupid useless crap, but they probably will anyway. Does that mean you're stupid and useless? Yep. Everyone is now and then. So what?
VIRGO:
Masculine people can help you out today. Notice I didn't say “men can help you out today”, I'm not sexist, and I just wanted to point that out. So, smile pretty and ask; even if your name is Cletus and you're a linebacker, you can still flutter those lashes.
LIBRA:
Happy Hypochondria Day! Yay! Wouldn't it be Oh, So Perfect if you could lie around in bed all day, wrapped in a feather boa eating expensive bon-bons? If you're the more masculine sort, a bowl of meat and a TV remote would be nice. Well forget it! Drag your ass off to where you normally drag your ass off to and go have a day.
SCORPIO:
Watch what you say today. Only drop positive verbal nuggets all around you. Brag on yourself, it's OK. It's called Public Relations, and it's Friday today, so no-one's really listening to you anyway.
SAGITTARIUS:
Sagittariuses are the opposite of anarchists. If you're talking up a revolution, that really means that you want to write up a whole NEW set of rules and regulations for everyone to follow. Obey the laws this weekend and don't speed. You're not the lawmaker for the free world yet.
CAPRICORN:
Wipe your nose and hoist up your drawers. Get ready to say something aggressive to somebody today. OK you little chicken shit, say something “assertive”. If there's something, or someone you want, speak up.
AQUARIUS:
Well Aquarius, you're supposed to be all creative today, and figuring out how to make something from nothing. I'm waiting to see counterfeit cash spring up on the “handmade” web sites. It's a craft, and it's handmade, right? Good luck in your new enterprise, and remember, I have nothing to do with “aiding & abetting”.
PISCES:
You have your days all screwed up Pisces, here it is the weekend and your time would be best used going over finances and investments and all that crap. Holy Geezuz! I was just knocked over by a chorus of Pisces wailing “but I have no finances!” Well then maybe you should get some. Is having fun this weekend going to get you some finances? No? Well then......
THURSDAY, SEPT 03, 2009
ARIES:
If you blab someone's secret today, you'll regret it later. Yes, it is tough to keep your mouth shut, but do it anyway. Maybe you'll find out how to use inside information to your advantage. Yes, it's called blackmail, but you don't have to think of it that way, you just have to find a way to make it work for you!
Taurus
Today would be a great day to find some preschoolers and help them with their colouring (I spelled it that way because I'm Canadian) book projects. “I told you not to colour outside the lines” Of course if they aren't your own kids forget about it, you'd just look tacky in jail. No one gets to do what they want when they want anyway.
GEMINI:
Anything you teach to children, or employees for the next month, won't stick. Maybe you should just let the little monkeys run wild, you'll only have to teach them all over again next month anyway.
CANCER:
If you're going to write something, go ahead and write it. Even if that means you have to hide out in a bathroom stall with a pencil and some scratch paper to get it done. If you've already written something, submit it to where ever it needs to be submitted to. That doesn't mean you'll be on Oprah's book club, but it's as good a day as any to do it. Oh ya, tomorrow's good for that too.
LEO:
Long term aspects say that this is a good time to get your health stuff together...You know, eat right exercise, blah blah blah. This doesn't mean that people around you want to sit around discussing your health though. Get healthy, but shut up about it.
VIRGO:
If you don't have anyone to talk to at home, never mind, you'll just keep talking anyway. In other words...you'll be talkative today. Make sure it's not garbage you're spouting, and don't be giving away all your filthy secrets. Find a Libra to talk about.
LIBRA:
People are talking about you today; (Probably those filthy Virgos) maybe they're saying good things, maybe they're saying bad things.....OK I lied, someone's talking dirt about you. Be paranoid, investigate; you're not really a saint you know, so it is possible.
SCORPIO:
If you tease someone today, they'll turn out to be psycho, and then they'll spend forever plotting out ways to screw you over. If I just described your marriage, then you need more than a daily horoscope to help you. Behave yourself today.
SAGITTARIUS:
Your house could blow up today, but chances are it won't. So, tell yourself over and over again, your house isn't likely to explode today. In English that means, quit worrying about domestic stuff.
CAPRICORN:
Gee, I wonder what your neighbours (I spelled it that way because I'm Canadian) are up to? Go ahead and twitch those curtains, they won't notice. No neighbours? Go lurk in some nasty chat rooms. Focus and attention problems? Do both.
AQUARIUS:
If you didn't get that gift yesterday, it's because you didn't give out my site url to anybody. Gifts come in many forms grasshopper. Maybe you got a new talent while you were asleep. Go find out, learn something new today.
PISCES:
Don't be surprised if your own behaviour (I spelled it that way because I'm Canadian) surprises you. Oh god..Is that an oxymoron, I don't think that's an oxymoron. The more confident you are today, The more good stuff happens. Make sense? No? Tough!
Wednesday, September 2nd, 2009
Aries:
Put your friends first today, even if it you think it might kill you. It won't, but you simply don't deserve to be the center of attention today. So what, there's always tomorrow.
Taurus:
Double check your emails and messages. Something may not be getting where it's supposed to be. Did you copy the correct address? No? Well you'd better find someone else to blame it on. It's a good day to find a scapegoat.
Gemini:
Good day for politics, but only if you're supporting the right party. If you're cheering the wrong team you'll burn in hell for all eternity. If you're not into politics, you can have a really good time sticking your nose into other people's business all day long.
Cancer:
Here's the thing Cancer, you can suck up to old people all you want..it doesn't mean they're gonna put you in the will. That just means hang out with who you really want to hang out with today. Never mind what everybody else thinks.
Leo:
Be sociable today and hang out with other humans, they just might let you, even though you told them yesterday that you were poor. Keep telling them you're poor, it's a good financial strategy.
Virgo:
Consider today superficial and shallow. O.K. You caught me trying to be nice, the truth is the morons around you today are being superficial and shallow. That's why we have portable music players, and jobs.
Libra:
Today just feels like a busy day because you won't shut up. It's just chatter, chatter, chatter with you! If you didn't actually have something to do, I'd say go spend the day at the casino...I didn't say you would win anything anyway.
Scorpio:
Reassess any groups or gangs you belong to, and drop the dead weight; even if the book club insists on jumping you out. How tough can a bunch of book worms be? I guess you never pissed off a librarian before. Good luck with that.
Sagittarius:
Get advice before you sign anything today. I should have said get GOOD advice because there is a difference you know. Better yet, postpone signing anything today, your still too “sensitive”.
Capricorn:
It's a good day to find out if business partners or co-workers are screwing you over. Jeez, I'm not making you paranoid am I. Any one in a business partnership should be just a little paranoid. It all sounds worse than it is, it also means that today would be good day to talk over forming a partnership. Your brain is just working that way.
Aquarius:
OOH! You might get a gift today! I wonder what it is? If you want to up your chances, give all your friends this url, and tell them your an Aquarius. At least you'll find out which friends are really worth keeping.
Pisces:
Your long term diagnosis is all about friends. I wouldn't worry about it though, you'll have horseshoes up your ass when you're out making new friends and dumping the ones you never really liked anyway.
Put your friends first today, even if it you think it might kill you. It won't, but you simply don't deserve to be the center of attention today. So what, there's always tomorrow.
Taurus:
Double check your emails and messages. Something may not be getting where it's supposed to be. Did you copy the correct address? No? Well you'd better find someone else to blame it on. It's a good day to find a scapegoat.
Gemini:
Good day for politics, but only if you're supporting the right party. If you're cheering the wrong team you'll burn in hell for all eternity. If you're not into politics, you can have a really good time sticking your nose into other people's business all day long.
Cancer:
Here's the thing Cancer, you can suck up to old people all you want..it doesn't mean they're gonna put you in the will. That just means hang out with who you really want to hang out with today. Never mind what everybody else thinks.
Leo:
Be sociable today and hang out with other humans, they just might let you, even though you told them yesterday that you were poor. Keep telling them you're poor, it's a good financial strategy.
Virgo:
Consider today superficial and shallow. O.K. You caught me trying to be nice, the truth is the morons around you today are being superficial and shallow. That's why we have portable music players, and jobs.
Libra:
Today just feels like a busy day because you won't shut up. It's just chatter, chatter, chatter with you! If you didn't actually have something to do, I'd say go spend the day at the casino...I didn't say you would win anything anyway.
Scorpio:
Reassess any groups or gangs you belong to, and drop the dead weight; even if the book club insists on jumping you out. How tough can a bunch of book worms be? I guess you never pissed off a librarian before. Good luck with that.
Sagittarius:
Get advice before you sign anything today. I should have said get GOOD advice because there is a difference you know. Better yet, postpone signing anything today, your still too “sensitive”.
Capricorn:
It's a good day to find out if business partners or co-workers are screwing you over. Jeez, I'm not making you paranoid am I. Any one in a business partnership should be just a little paranoid. It all sounds worse than it is, it also means that today would be good day to talk over forming a partnership. Your brain is just working that way.
Aquarius:
OOH! You might get a gift today! I wonder what it is? If you want to up your chances, give all your friends this url, and tell them your an Aquarius. At least you'll find out which friends are really worth keeping.
Pisces:
Your long term diagnosis is all about friends. I wouldn't worry about it though, you'll have horseshoes up your ass when you're out making new friends and dumping the ones you never really liked anyway.
Tuesday September 1st, 2009
Aries:
A good day for joining groups. If a club asks you to join, don't ask why! “But lady astrologer you say..they're militant loons, should I still join?” Hell yes, If they want you, go, life's supposed to be fun ya know! Watch out for liars today though...You don't have to call them out, don't waste your time, just know who's lying.
Taurus:
If you have a job, don't tell your boss to stick it! It's just not the day for it. I know you'd rather be at home, but getting fired isn't the best way to get there. Maybe if you slap some cheap paint up on your bedroom wall your brain will be fooled into thinking that you actually accomplished something important for yourself!
Gemini:
If you're just booking time at work for the paycheck, then today is made for you. If it isn't about money, don't waste your time. You can tell your gramma that too if she calls. In other words, don't bother with what other people think today.
Cancer:
Feeling pretty sure of yourself all month long. Doesn't mean you'll get away with being a wise ass smart mouth though. Play nice, and don't verbally flip off the wrong person today. It's got something to do with karma, and karma's just another word for payback, and payback's a bitch they say.
Leo:
Money troubles are unimportant if they're not about the long term. Really. Right now you should be thinking about the long term. Whenever you're with other people, pretend you don't have any money at all. That should help you out in the short term.
Virgo
Good time for a medical check up. After the doctor tells you that it's all in your mind, you can go back to the hypochondria stuff. You'll get more attention though if you put the back of your hand against your brow now and then and sigh deeply. Honest.
Libra:
Feeling pretty fickle today are we? Should I? Shouldn't I? Really, you shouldn't need someone else's opinion about which pen you should use. Just go ahead and make the damn decision already. Right or wrong doesn't really matter.
Scorpio
Right now, drop what you're doing and go clean up under your fridge. You know you want to, even if you're not at home..... unless you're homeless, then you should be cleaning up everything around you. Or if you're reading this and you're not a Scorpio, go clean up the homeless, we'd appreciate it.
Sagittarius
Wow Sagittarius, the stars say you're unstable today and tomorrow. Stay the hell away from me. Oh wait, this is supposed to be a helpful horoscope. In that case, you're too sensitive these 2 days, tell the people around you to keep their crap to themselves. Honest, that will help you.
Capricorn
Oh this is awful, the long range prospects for Capricorn are about being creative. It's awful because breaking stereotypes makes you an iconoclast, and Capricorns think iconoclasts are revolutionaries, and they rarely approve. Oh such complications!! Go fingerpaint yourself.
Aquarius
A day for toe tapping and finger drumming. If your frustrated and restless, don't make everyone else suffer along with you. Oh that's right, you Aquarians think that you have to share all your feelings. Well, this is something we don't want to share with you. So there!
Pisces
Pull your head out of your ass Pisces! You're dreaming and this isn't the time for it. If your one of those Pisces that lives in La-La land anyway, today and tomorrow are way over the top. Be realistic these 2 days, you can write your Oscar acceptance speech on Friday.
A good day for joining groups. If a club asks you to join, don't ask why! “But lady astrologer you say..they're militant loons, should I still join?” Hell yes, If they want you, go, life's supposed to be fun ya know! Watch out for liars today though...You don't have to call them out, don't waste your time, just know who's lying.
Taurus:
If you have a job, don't tell your boss to stick it! It's just not the day for it. I know you'd rather be at home, but getting fired isn't the best way to get there. Maybe if you slap some cheap paint up on your bedroom wall your brain will be fooled into thinking that you actually accomplished something important for yourself!
Gemini:
If you're just booking time at work for the paycheck, then today is made for you. If it isn't about money, don't waste your time. You can tell your gramma that too if she calls. In other words, don't bother with what other people think today.
Cancer:
Feeling pretty sure of yourself all month long. Doesn't mean you'll get away with being a wise ass smart mouth though. Play nice, and don't verbally flip off the wrong person today. It's got something to do with karma, and karma's just another word for payback, and payback's a bitch they say.
Leo:
Money troubles are unimportant if they're not about the long term. Really. Right now you should be thinking about the long term. Whenever you're with other people, pretend you don't have any money at all. That should help you out in the short term.
Virgo
Good time for a medical check up. After the doctor tells you that it's all in your mind, you can go back to the hypochondria stuff. You'll get more attention though if you put the back of your hand against your brow now and then and sigh deeply. Honest.
Libra:
Feeling pretty fickle today are we? Should I? Shouldn't I? Really, you shouldn't need someone else's opinion about which pen you should use. Just go ahead and make the damn decision already. Right or wrong doesn't really matter.
Scorpio
Right now, drop what you're doing and go clean up under your fridge. You know you want to, even if you're not at home..... unless you're homeless, then you should be cleaning up everything around you. Or if you're reading this and you're not a Scorpio, go clean up the homeless, we'd appreciate it.
Sagittarius
Wow Sagittarius, the stars say you're unstable today and tomorrow. Stay the hell away from me. Oh wait, this is supposed to be a helpful horoscope. In that case, you're too sensitive these 2 days, tell the people around you to keep their crap to themselves. Honest, that will help you.
Capricorn
Oh this is awful, the long range prospects for Capricorn are about being creative. It's awful because breaking stereotypes makes you an iconoclast, and Capricorns think iconoclasts are revolutionaries, and they rarely approve. Oh such complications!! Go fingerpaint yourself.
Aquarius
A day for toe tapping and finger drumming. If your frustrated and restless, don't make everyone else suffer along with you. Oh that's right, you Aquarians think that you have to share all your feelings. Well, this is something we don't want to share with you. So there!
Pisces
Pull your head out of your ass Pisces! You're dreaming and this isn't the time for it. If your one of those Pisces that lives in La-La land anyway, today and tomorrow are way over the top. Be realistic these 2 days, you can write your Oscar acceptance speech on Friday.
HAND MARBLED 101
If you are thinking of purchasing a piece of marbled art, you should know what to look for. A bit of background information is helpful.
Marbling is all about surface tension. We start with a tub or vat of liquid that will hold paint on the surface without sinking, and yet allow the artist to control the spread of the paint.
Marblers generally use some form of seaweed extract, usually carrageenan, as a "size"; that's the first ingredient in a marbling session, a tub filled at least two inches with a thickened size. You can use thinned wallpaper paste,(methyl cellulose) but your paint lines won't be as crisp or clear.
Paints are thinned down to the same consistency as the carrageenan size. An eyedropper and/or a small broom whisk and sometimes a mouth operated aerator is used to carefully drop minute amounts of paint onto the surface of the size. Every drop will spread outwards. The amount it spreads is determined by a number of different factors. The temperature of the size must be the same as the paint; humidity will have an effect, how long the size has "rested" before it's used matters. Different brands of paint, and different types of paint within the same brand will spread differently. Overenthusiasm can lead to too much paint being applied, then you're left with muddy colours or sinking paint. When that happens a murky void is left on the paper that looks like this:
Sinking paint usually looks much worse than this example. Typically, it's just a muddy, blotchy blobula left on your paper or fabric.
Air bubbles are easy to see, they're simply spots where the paper or fabric didn't touch the paint. It's also an effect the artist may choose to use deliberately by substituting soap for paint. This is an example of an obvious mistake:
Another thing to watch out for is uneven fading. Before you can marble anything it has to be sponged down with an alum and water mixture. This is what magically makes the paint adhere to the paper or fabric throughout the final rinsing process. If the alum mixture is too weak or too strong, if the paint is too heavy, the paper too damp, or if the alum is applied unevenly this is what happens:
After a print is made and lifted, the size has to be cleaned by running newsprint across the surface to remove all the remaining paint. If this isn't done correctly the next print will have raggedy edges, and blurry spots. Dust and pet hair settling on the surface will cause the same problems.
When the paper or fabric is dropped onto the surface of the size to transfer the paint, it has to be done with confidence. If the movements are too slow or jerky you will get a line running across the print that looks like this:
So the music a marbler chooses to listen to while working is another important component of the process.
Marbling is all about surface tension. We start with a tub or vat of liquid that will hold paint on the surface without sinking, and yet allow the artist to control the spread of the paint.
Marblers generally use some form of seaweed extract, usually carrageenan, as a "size"; that's the first ingredient in a marbling session, a tub filled at least two inches with a thickened size. You can use thinned wallpaper paste,(methyl cellulose) but your paint lines won't be as crisp or clear.
Paints are thinned down to the same consistency as the carrageenan size. An eyedropper and/or a small broom whisk and sometimes a mouth operated aerator is used to carefully drop minute amounts of paint onto the surface of the size. Every drop will spread outwards. The amount it spreads is determined by a number of different factors. The temperature of the size must be the same as the paint; humidity will have an effect, how long the size has "rested" before it's used matters. Different brands of paint, and different types of paint within the same brand will spread differently. Overenthusiasm can lead to too much paint being applied, then you're left with muddy colours or sinking paint. When that happens a murky void is left on the paper that looks like this:
Sinking paint usually looks much worse than this example. Typically, it's just a muddy, blotchy blobula left on your paper or fabric.
Air bubbles are easy to see, they're simply spots where the paper or fabric didn't touch the paint. It's also an effect the artist may choose to use deliberately by substituting soap for paint. This is an example of an obvious mistake:
Another thing to watch out for is uneven fading. Before you can marble anything it has to be sponged down with an alum and water mixture. This is what magically makes the paint adhere to the paper or fabric throughout the final rinsing process. If the alum mixture is too weak or too strong, if the paint is too heavy, the paper too damp, or if the alum is applied unevenly this is what happens:
After a print is made and lifted, the size has to be cleaned by running newsprint across the surface to remove all the remaining paint. If this isn't done correctly the next print will have raggedy edges, and blurry spots. Dust and pet hair settling on the surface will cause the same problems.
When the paper or fabric is dropped onto the surface of the size to transfer the paint, it has to be done with confidence. If the movements are too slow or jerky you will get a line running across the print that looks like this:
So the music a marbler chooses to listen to while working is another important component of the process.
VIDEO DEMO OF MARBLING
Marbling is the art of serendipity and surprise. It is the artist's job to control where the paint goes, and what it does, but there is always room to be playful and joyous with your expressions. A swirling dervish added here, or just a bit of contrast there to subdue a particularly gleeful colour. It's a very fast moving art, and you have a limited window of time to create. The marbler is freezing a moment in time that is impossible to predict or foresee.
YouTube has a great video that demonstrates the marbling process:
YouTube has a great video that demonstrates the marbling process:
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